5 Regular Words that Should Never Become Baby Names.

5 Regular Words that Should Never Become Baby Names.

There has been a trend of late to give babies regular words as a name (by ‘late’ I mean the 21st century because I have been alive for awhile). Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin were the first to bring the practice to my attention with the naming of their daughter, Apple (Paltrow says it’s after the fruit but I reckon they were angling for a sponsorship from iPhone and with the overwhelming popularity of the device I am surprised that this hasn’t come to fruition. Go on. Laugh. It’s punny). 

As the years have passed other celebrities like the Kardashian Klan with their Stormi, True, North, Saint, and Pslam, have followed the trend. Then there’s Blue Ivy from the celebrity Carter couple, and Busy (relax it’s a nickname) with her children Cricket and Birdie (more birds and insects than birds and bees) who have also caused people to raise eyebrows for a split second before shrugging and getting on with their lives with their regular names. 

But, you know, that’s all good. 

This is the 21st century after all and it’s nice that some kids won’t be walking about their classroom being called ‘Mark 1’ and ‘Mark 2’ or ‘Bella A’ and ‘Bella G’. When I went to school in the 70s and 80s there were so many Stevens that one of my friends had reverted to calling himself ‘Yogi’ a nickname his grandfather had given him for obvious reasons. The nickname worked well until poor Yogi/Steven put the name his mother had given him on his exam paper and a teacher accused him of trying to confuse him and cheat (how that constitutes cheating is beyond me, but things were different in the dark ages). After a conference with his parents, the principal and said teacher the issue was resolved but only after Yogi was threatened with suspension for being a ‘smart arse’.

‘Smart Arse’ now that a name which could really herald a mover and shaker in the business world. However, it may end up be a career limiting life choice which could be a disaster for your child. Imagine going to your proctologist with the moniker Dr S. A. Smith and casually asking what the S. A stood for. When you were told would you run or would you be comforted by the fact that this was a career this person was literally named from birth to follow? Worse, would you laugh and then upset the person who was literally going to have access to where the ‘sun don’t shine’? 

You have to admit, it is a situation which is fraught. 

Which brings me to the list. I have thought long and hard and I reckon that the following are names which should never ever become first names for anyone:

1). Pineapple –  Sure, it follows the fruit theme was of Paltrow/Martin union but there is something inherently uncomfortable about pineapples; and having your warm cuddly bundle associated with prickly skin, a painful crown and a tendency to make a select group of people’s mouths bleed is probably best avoided.

2). Tofu – I know that some of the Vegan community have looked adoringly at their fried tofu during pregnancy and thought to themselves, “I love you so much. I should name my baby after you.” Please resist such an act of devotion. Not only will the child suffer numerous taunts and jeers from the larger meat eating community they will also have a name which sounds like ‘Toad Food’ to the hearing challenged grandparent in the corner. You will correct said grandparent, of course, but older memories being what they are, they will forget and the child will feel like their grandparents are also sticking the non-leather boot in and it will destroy their relationship forever. Resist!

3). Taupe – There has been a really popular trend to name one’s child after a colour like Blue (Ivy and Bear) or Gray or Violet (yeah, it’s traditional but it’s still a colour – so there). But, I ask you; I beg you; I implore you; do not call your baby ‘Taupe’.  Taupe is a nothing colour and if you don’t pay close enough attention when reading it, it looks like Toupee. And no one, no one, wants that sort of confusion especially when they are looking for love on a dating app. Pick this name and you potentially sentence your child to a life of loneliness. 

4). Citrine – Naming your baby after a gemstone is a long held tradition throughout the world. After all, how many of us have a Ruby, Pearl or even Sapphire in the family? So, sure citrine is a nice gem and it is unusual but it does tend to look like day old urine (I’m looking at you marathon gamers and your emergency ‘relief’ bottles scattered all of the room) and no child deserves that association every time their name is uttered. 

5). Covid – Yeah. Sure. I get it. Lockdowns can be boring and there’s only so many loaves of sourdough you can post online so you decide to up the ante and bake a baby… and getting one of those things raised certainly alleviates the boredom to some degree but it does interfere with your binge viewing. Anyhow, it is a thing to name your kid after where or when they were conceived like Brooklyn (Hi Posh and Becks) or Christmas (or was that just a Bond film?) but Covid will see your child shunned by all and sundry with masks and loathing. Fight the urge on this one, please. 

So, that’s the five names I advise against.  I don’t judge normally but I do think that sometimes when people are basking in the joy of procreating they get a bit loopy so I felt I would put my 5 cents out there. 

Are there any that you would suggest avoiding?